Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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