That's intense
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
