kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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