after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
