This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
