The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
