I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
