Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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