I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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