just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
