Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
