my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I party with great urgency now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
