my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am one with the molecules
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
