I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
