so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
