We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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