I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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