I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
