Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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