the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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