she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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