i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
