Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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