Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
