I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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