yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
3pm strippers are depressing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
