Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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