I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
