you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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