If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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