if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
