"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
