I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
