gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
