The maid of honor just puked.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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