I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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