Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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