Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
