then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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