someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
