the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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