the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so let's talk penis.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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