i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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