I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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