i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
