Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Send help, water and tortillas.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
