just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
