Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
