grandma shit on top of the toilet
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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