there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
