Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
