Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
