Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i think my cat just said my name.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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