Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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