So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
