So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize