When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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