I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
