Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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